Did you know that women have a different stress response than men? It’s true.
You’ve probably heard of the fight or flight response, but recent research shows it really only applies to men. They’re coded to beat the crap out of whatever is stressing them or move away from it, either slowly or at a dead run. Of course, we no longer face the dangers our brains and bodies were built to deal with, so our responses have had to adapt as well.
For instance, say you’re having a “discussion” with your husband and you notice that his eyes have glazed over. You know he’s not listening anymore, that he’s probably replaying his golf game last Saturday and is wondering where he went wrong on the seventh hole. This is the modern “flight” response. And as he’s replaying that seventh hole in his mind, he sees himself once again slicing his ball into the trees then taking out his frustration on a nearby bush with his 5 iron. This would be the “fight” response.
Before you get too irked at him for tuning you out, though, it turns out that we women also have our own less-than-endearing ways of coping with stress. Our stress response starts out the same as men, but then we get this extra hormone kick that mellows us out. This hormone, oxytocin, turns on our protective, mothering tendencies, and the response it produces is called “tending and befriending.” When we feel threatened, our first priority is to ensure the safety of ourselves and those we love, as well as to see that our basic needs are met. We also gather our support system, like friends and family, for backup.
Fortunately, our lives are filled with abundance these days, and we usually have plenty of support from friends, family, and even coworkers. Unfortunately, just like men, this means our coping strategies aren’t very effective any more. Oh, we still try to tend and befriend, but it ends up biting us in the rear.
Let’s go back to that heated discussion you were having with your hubby. You’re feeling a little stressed because he isn’t listening to you, so your body starts to react. It’s a safe bet that all your basic needs have already been met—you have plenty of food in the fridge, a roof over your head, and you aren’t naked—so your tending instinct goes a bit wonky. Since you don’t need anything for your immediate survival, that must mean you should stock pile. So off to the mall you go to get several new outfits, a couple pairs of shoes, a new purse, and maybe a new TV.
Or maybe your tending instinct tells you that, even though you just had dinner and you have plenty of food in the fridge so there’s no chance of starving in the near future, you should still go eat everything in the kitchen. And start with the Twinkies!
If that weren’t bad enough, your inclination to befriend can get you into trouble, too. It’s designed to help you build community support in the interest of survival, but I doubt your life is at stake because your husband tuned you out. So what do you do instead? You call up your girlfriends and start bitching about what a jerk he is. You’re looking for people to emotionally support you. Unfortunately, this doesn’t help the tension between you and your husband. In fact, it probably strains the relationship even further.
Then what’s a girl to do? Well, first, learn to recognize your stress response and take note of patterns in your coping behavior. Do you like to indulge in retail therapy, fridge therapy, or a bitch session with your friends? If so, find a better way to deal with the stress. Go for a walk (and not around the mall, girlfriend!) or give yourself a spa treatment with a long, hot bubble bath. Find something you enjoy doing and that makes you feel pampered, too. You have to satisfy that tendency to nurture yourself, without indulging in behaviors that will lead to further stress.
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